The First Laughabout
by Amethyst Blackquill
Summary: This is an abridged parody of the first case of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. It has more humour and less of a serious tone to it.
1. Courtroom Overture

**August 3, 9:47 AM  
****District Court  
****Defendant Lobby No. 2**

* * *

"_Whew... I'm so nervous. I can almost feel my chest tightening from all the pressure I'm feeling. Oh wait. I forgot. This suit wasn't the right size." _

The nervous attorney, Phoenix Wright, was struggling to get himself prepared for the first trial of his attorney career.

"Wright!" A female's voice called out to him.

Phoenix turned to his right to see that it was mentor and best friend, Mia Fey. She had her arms crossed, having a wide smile.

"Oh. Hiya, chef."

Mia's expression turned into a surprised one but then turned sour shortly after. "Phoenix, are you mocking me for the meal I made for us last night? I may not be the best chef in the world but at least I try my best!" Mia glanced downwards with her eyes while her lips curved into a rather large frown.

Phoenix shook his head rapidly "no" to let her know that it was not the case. Also, he hated seeing her like this. "Th-that's not what I mean, chief! I'm sorry. It's my first trial and I'm just unsettled by your curves." Phoenix then blushed deeply after realising what he was saying. "I-I-I mean I'm nervous because it's my first trial!"

Mia's cheeks were rather rosy themselves. "P-Phoenix!" She called out to him rather...childishly.

"Y-Yes, chief?"

Mia started struggling to look him in the eye. Her arms that were wrapped across her chest gripped themselves tighter. "D-Do you really think I'm attractive?"

Phoenix was dreading this situation. Nerves can really make you say the wrong things. Although the newbie attorney does have warm feelings for his mentor, he didn't go to great lengths in his imagination to think of his own boss as attractive and beautiful. "L-Look. I just slipped my tongue. N-Not that I'm saying you're not beautiful. I-I mean you are beautiful b-but that'd just be weird for me to say. You know what I'm saying?" Phoenix chuckled sheepishly, hoping that his mentor would understand the message he was trying to convey.

Mia's frown slowly curved into a smile that almost extended from ear to ear. "Phoenix, it's okay. I know what you mean. I'm just surprised that you thought about me that way. You were nervous because you thought I looked good? I didn't know I was that pretty."

Phoenix felt his heart sink six feet under. _"That WASN'T what I was saying, chief!" _Although in his mind, he wondered if she was actually happy saying that because Mia really did sound jubilee.

His mentor let out a giggle which made Phoenix blush. It sounded almost angelic in his ears. "Phoenix. I'll make you a deal."

"A-A deal?"

Mia giggled again, causing Phoenix's cheeks to become even redder. "Yes. I wasn't stuttering was I? I'll make you a deal. If you manage to prove your client not guilty, then you can go out with me to dinner and drinks. It'll be on me. How's that?"

Phoenix gasped so hard that his windpipe almost became clogged. It almost felt like a dream to him._"Say yes! Say yes! A woman is asking you out on a date! Say yes!" _Phoenix struggled to say his answer but he was too choked up to say it.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A boisterous male voice called out to Nick.

Mia looked over to her left to see a slender man with an orange coloured jacket zooming in towards Nick. She was a bit disappointed that he had to come along and ruin their moment. "Isn't that your client over there?" Mia asked with a hint of venom in her voice.

"Y-Yeah..." The newbie attorney sighed in disappointment because his client and friend had to interrupt the moment between them and right before he could answer.

"Nick!" The man called out to him.

"Hey. Hey there, Larry."

The defendant named Larry patted him on the shoulder a few times. "Congratulations!"

"Wh-What?! I didn't even get you off the hook!"

Larry waved the sleeve of his jacket around while giving a look of glee. "No, Nick! I mean congratulations for really becoming a man! I mean not everyone gets along with their boss well but to actually be asked out on a date by them! Wow! You're my hero, Nick!"

"Wait..."

Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick-Tick...DING!

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?"

The rookie attorney started sweating bullets out the wazoo.

Larry started to laugh at his best friend since grade school. He scratched his own head in the back side. "I am so jealous of you right now. I gotta tell you, she's going to be a keeper! I can really tell! Most of the women I dated ended up leaving poor little old me afterwards and I usually gotta work real hard to land them! Why is it so easy for you, Nick?! WHY!?" Larry's eyes started leaking a waterfall of tears. They had a mixture of envy, jealously, and contempt for the attorney.

Mia blinked a few times at Larry while giving a slight glare. _"You know I'm standing right here, yes?" _

"_I don't know whether to consider myself lucky or unfortunate because it was my own nerves that got me into this situation in the first place..." _The lawyer thought to himself.

The floor between them started to flood with Phoenix's sweat and Larry's tears.

_My name is Phoenix Wright. Here's the story. My friend here is named Larry Butz. I'm honestly not in the mood to explain this whole situation because I just inadvertently landed a date with my own boss...that is if I win._

"I can hear that..." Larry said out loud to Nick, in a tone of disappointment.

_Suddenly, I found myself less interested winning this trial to prove my friend's innocence and more about trying to get a date with Mia._

_"_Hello, I can hear you!" Larry's eyes started to leak tears again and his heart breaking. The tears were filled with the feeling of being betrayed.

_Mia... When she took me in as her apprentice when starting her own law office, I've learned everything I can from her. Larry may have fueled my drive to become a lawyer but it was her that actually taught me what I know about being a defence attorney. I do owe Larry one but I owe Mia so much more. I also find myself wanting to win this trial to let her see how far I've come and that her teachings weren't in vain._

_...And that's just what I'm going to do!_

_"_Hey...that smarts..." Larry then hung his head in shame.

Mia giggled at the sight of Larry hanging his head and smiled at Phoenix professing his admiration towards her. "Thank you, Phoenix! Just go out there and do your best."


	2. Trial (Part One)

With Mia in front, both defence attorneys entered the courtroom and proceeded to sit in the defence's desk of the courtroom.

"I don't suppose I can talk you into losing the porcupine hair." Mia teased to Phoenix as she went into the deeper end of the defence's desk.

The newbie attorney softly felt his hair out of an insecure feeling. "Come on, chief. This hair is one of the only things that's giving me a sense of self-confidence here."

Across the courtroom from the defence's desk, Phoenix could see a middle-aged man with graying hair that's barely visible. It almost looked as if he's balding. He even had glasses on that's square shaped.

"Who's that?" Phoenix asked his mentor as he discreetly pointed across the courtroom.

Mia smirked as she looked across where he was pointing. "That's Winston Payne. He's known as the Rookie Killer."

Phoenix swallowed a large amount of saliva from hearing that title. "Please tell me you're joking."

Mia put on a stern look as she shook her head. "No, I'm not kidding. I thought you'd remember him but it looks like you don't. He tried to prove you guilty in that trial three years ago that I defended you in."

"R-Really? That's so...strange. I remember you but why can't I remember him?" Phoenix really tried to remember Winston Payne from three years ago but he really couldn't remember a face remotely like the one he was observing across the courtroom.

"Now listen," Mia began. "This guy Winston Payne is a real jerk. I've known him for three years and he still thinks my name is Mira, not Mia. Although, I have a feeling he's just trying to mock me for that trial. He used to be such a snobby lawyer but during that three year lapse until now, people told me he hasn't been the same and is now just generally bad at getting his points across. He also had more hair than what you see now but-wait. You're teasing me, right? You were there!"

Phoenix chuckled nervously. He didn't want to get chewed out by his superior again. "I-I'm sorry, chief. I really don't remember."

Mia softly punched her student in the shoulder. "Just be quiet and listen. Ever since that trial where I turned his own words against him, he's devolved into a social moron. In fact, here's a good exercise to work out your nerves. Try initiating small talk to him."

"Wh-what?! C-Come on! He's the prosecutor and he's trying to prove my client guilty!" Phoenix said as he started to sweat bullets.

Mia flashed a wink with a smile on her face at the rookie attorney. "Just trust me on this. You'll be fine."

"I don't know about this...but I'll try for you, chief." Phoenix started to call out to Winston. "Hey, Winston! It's been a long time!" He said with a friendly tone while making the most sincere smile he could.

"Uh... I don't think I know you..." The old prosecutor said as he started to sweat.

"What? You don't remember me? Oh, you were that nice prosecutor in that trial those years ago! It was wonderful!" As he was reciting what Mia tipped him off to, people around the courtroom started to snicker and giggle. "There was a good food! There was even a fair share of pleasantries and-"

Phoenix was interrupted by a surge of pain in his groin. He nearly roared in pain but instead he gritted his teeth while sucking up the pain. "Th-That was...just a case of...my stomach. Didn't eat something good today..."

"O-Oh... I see..." _"What is he babbling about? I don't remember him but I do remember HER... I'll be sure to beat her student to have my vengeance!" _The prosecutor thought to himself after he had a bit of small talk.

"Why did you do that chief? Don't hit me there!" Phoenix leered at his mentor as she struggled to get his legs and feet straight.

Mia sighed while palming her face lightly with her right hand. "Well don't overdo it! Now get this: Winston Payne was once so drunk at a party, he could have had a conversation with the Steel Samurai and he wouldn't remember."

The rookie attorney scoffed at that thought. "Why would you even go into a party of an enemy in court, anyway?" It really was a good question that Phoenix had in mind for her.

"I didn't go. One of my other acquaintances told me about it. He was such a wreck." Mia struggled to not laugh out loud, only giggling a few chunks at a time.

Phoenix grimaced at his mentor. She was always such a quirky woman. But he always liked that about her, especially since she's so nice for a boss. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a wood banging on a table. He nearly yelped at that, being caught off-guard by the sudden sound.

The Judge cleared his throat after banging his gavel to silence the court. "The court is in session for the trial of Larry Butz. Are both sides, ready?"

"The prosecution is ready, Your Honour." Winston Payne declared from the prosecution's seat.

Phoenix cleared his throat before talking. "The-um, defence is ready, Your Honour." He struggled to say that with a straight face while resisting the urge to sweat. He could feel his armpit deodorant failing him.

The Judge cleared his throat. "Ahem. Mr. Wright... This is your first trial, is it not?" He called out as he glanced over at the defence's desk.

"Y-Yes, Your Honour. I-I'm a little nervous." Phoenix felt like he shouldn't have said that, considering he didn't want to fall easy prey to the infamous "Rookie Killer."

The Judge cleared his throat once again to exercise his authority in the court. "Your conduct during this trial will decide the fate of your client. Heisting and Starving is a serious charge. For your client's sake, I hope you can control your nerves."

"Th-Thank you, Your Hounor..." Phoneix said with a few stutters in his voice.

"The Judge wasn't complimenting you, Wright." Mia said to the royal-blue-suit attorney in a stern voice as she shook her head.

"_That's making me feel more comfortable, chief." _Phoenix sarcastically thought to himself. He had no idea if she was on his side or not.

The Judge paused for a moment to consider how to make Phoenix Wright comfortable in his seat. "Mr. Wright. Given the circumstances, I think we should have a test to ascertain your readiness."

"Y-Yes, Your Honour." Phoenix slightly bent over as he felt himself sweating bullets. _"Hands...fading... Eyesight...shaking... Wait, isn't that supposed to be the other way around?" _

The Judge sighed at the sight of Phoenix soaking the defence's desk with his sweat. "The test will consist of a few simple questions. Answer them clearly and concisely. Please state the defendant in this case."

The rookie attorney scratched his chin as he glanced up at the ceiling with his eyes. "That's easy, Your Honour. Um... The defendant, is me, right?" Phoenix was met with a slap in the face that caught him off-guard.

Mia felt a migraine coming on from his incompetence. "Wright! Have you completely lost your mind? Focus! The defendant is the person on trial! You're his lawyer!" Mia stared at him with wide eyes, exasperated with how much practice went into this with him failing to answer even the most simple questions.

The rookie attorney sheepishly chuckled at his mentor, trying desperately to lighten the mood. "Oh yeah, right! Eh heh heh... I just thought that the defendant is...you know...the one who is defending so...I thought that was me..." His face was met once again with a slap to the face. "OW!"

"This is no laughing matter!" Mia emphasized. "You did pass the bar, didn't you?"

The judge shook his head at what was going on behind the defence's desk. He didn't want to have such an open-and-shut case because of a rookie's nerves so he decided to tell a white lie to give him a second chance. "Sorry, I couldn't hear your answer. I'll ask you once more: Please state the defendant in this case."

Phoenix, still feeling the sting from both slaps to his face, cleared his throat. "Th-That's Larry Butz, Your Honour."

The Judge nodded in approval. "Correct. Just keep your wits..." _"And your face." _"...about you and you'll do fine. Next question: This is a murder trial by starvation and heisting food. Tell me, what's the victim's name?"

Phoenix felt himself calm down since that was a simpler question than the last. _"I know this one! Good thing I read the case report so many times. It's...wait...uh-oh!" _Phoenix gave off an exasperated look which made the entire courtroom worry if there was a more nervous attorney than him in the history of court. _"No... No way! I forgot! I'm drawing a total blank here!" _

Phoenix nearly fell over from a sudden shove Mia gave him. "Phoenix! Are you absolutely SURE you're up to this? You don't even know the victim's name!?"

Phoenix felt intimidated with the perplexed expression Mia had on her face. He could tell that he was bound to lose an opportunity to get on that date with her. "Oh, the victim! O-Of course I know the victim's name! I, um, just forgot...temporarily..."

Mia's head felt worse than before. All the confidence she had in him to win the trial was quickly fading away. "I think I feel a migraine coming on. Look, the victim's name is listed in the Court Record. Just touch the Court Record button to check it at any time, okay? Remember to check it often. Do it for me, please. I'm begging you..." Mia said with a breaking voice, almost sounding exhausted.

Phoenix read over the profile of the victim's name to be _Cindy Stone. _

"Mr. Wright. Who is the victim in this case?" The Judge asked in a demanding voice.

Phoenix quickly stowed the Court Record before answering. "Um... The victim's name is Cinder Stone."

The Judge's eyes popped, questioning if he misheard him. "A-A what?!"

Mia palmed her face, feeling her head swelling from the migraine that was coming on. _"We're going to lose...at this rate..." _"Let's go, Your Honour. He's ready..."

"B-But...I'm almost certain that I heard-"

Using both hands, Mia slammed the defence's desk. "HE'S READY, YOUR HONOUR!"

The Judge gulped and quickly banged the gavel. "Okay! No further questions! I see no reason why we shouldn't proceed. You seem much more relaxed. Mr. Wright. Good for you." The Judge said rather quickly.

"Th-thank you, Your Honour." Phoenix frowned deeply knowing he didn't really pass the Judge's preliminary test. _"Because Mia saved me...and I DON'T feel relaxed, that's for sure..." _

The Judge took a deep breath, and then proceeded to properly move on with the trial. "Well then... First, a question for the prosecution. Mr. Payne? As we all know in this court, the victim was starved to death because all her food was stolen. Would you explain to the court just what kind of "food" was stolen?"

"The food that was stolen that caused the victim to starve to death was a huge cache of burgers. It was found not far from the victim's apartment." Mr. Payne explained.

"I see... The court accepts it into evidence." The Judge declared. After that, he banged the gavel once more. "Mr. Payne. The prosecution may call its first witness."

"The prosecution calls the defendant, Mr. Butz to the stand." Mr. Payne declared rather pompously.

"Um, Chief, what do I do now?" Phoenix whispered towards Mia's direction.

"Pay attention. You don't want to miss any information that might help your client's case. You'll get your chance to own the prosecution with your magic finger, so be ready! Let's just hope he doesn't say anything...gross..."

"_Between something about fingers and being gross, I think I'm feeling grossed out already...Butz..." _Phoenix felt his stomach growl out of the urge to vomit.

A few seconds later, Larry Butz was at the stand wearing a smug look on his face.

Mr. Payne cleared his throat to signal that he was going to start interrogating the defendant. "Mr. Butz, is it not true that the victim recently stopped eating your cooking and dumped you?"

"HEY! WATCH IT, BUDDY!" Larry spat at Payne. "We were great together! We were a perfect mix of Blue and Green! Ruby and Sapphire!"

Phoenix's mouth gaped open at Larry with his eyes wide-open. _"Um, aren't those all __Pokémon characters?" _

Larry put back on his initial smug expression. "I wasn't dumped! She just wasn't eating my deli sandwiches and my margarita spaghetti...or making me dinner...ever... WHAT'S IT TO YOU, ANYWAY!?"

Mr. Payne dealt with witnesses like this before so he wasn't fazed at all by Larry's childish behaviour. "Mr. Butz, what you just described to us is generally what we mean by being "dumped". In fact, she considered your cooking horrible...and was cooking for other men! She had just returned from overseas with one of them who cooked a whole slew of burgers for her and had it delivered to her apartment, on the day before the starvation!"

"WHADDYA MEAN, "ONE OF THEM"?! ALSO, WHERE THE HELL IS THE PIZZA I ORDERED TODAY!? I DON'T BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD OF THIS!" After Larry made his loud rebuttal, his stomach growled signaling his hunger.

The gray-suit prosecutor wiped out a small booklet that's dark blue coloured. "Your Honour, the vicitm's passport. According to this, she was in Paris eating croissants until the day before she starved."

The Judge took a moment to contemplate this. "Indeed, she appears to have returned the day before starving."

"Dude, no way..." Larry whispered to himself in disbelief.

"The victim was a model, but was severely overweight for her occupation." Mr. Payne explained. "It appears she had several 'Worker Daddies'"

"Daddies? Working out?" Larry whispered to himself again in disbelief.

Mr. Payne nodded, signaling that he heard him. "Yes. Older men, who helped her lose weight and worked out with her. She worked out the fat she accumulated from your cooking and used their cooking to support a healthy diet lifestyle."

"Duuude!"

Mr. Payne chuckled as he had the defendant thinking how he wants him to think. "We can clearly see what kind of woman this Ms. Stone was. Tell me, Mr. Butz, what do you think of her now?"

"Wright..." Mia whispered to Phoenix to get his attention. He turned his head toward her. "I don't think she likes Larry's cooking that much."

"_Yeah. Larry has a way of making vomit-inducing meals in all kinds of styles... Should I...?" _The rookie attorney contemplated briefly if he should wait and see what happens or if he should stop him from answering. After a moment, he decided to step in. He slammed the desk, signaling it was his turn to talk. "My client had no idea the victim was working out with other men. Their cooking and training regiments are irrelevant to this case!" Phoenix said as he pointed with his finger.

Mr. Payne winced a bit at that finger that was pointing sharply at him.

"Dude! Nick! Whaddya mean, 'irrelevant'?! That cheatin' hot-dog! I'm gonna starve myself! I'm just gonna drop dead! Yeah, and when I meet her in the afterlife, I'm going to get to the bottom of this!"

The Judge slammed his gavel down to end Larry Butz's rant. "I'm hungry. I want a sandwich myself!"

"Should I get the bailiff to get you one from across the street, Your Honour?" Mr. Payne offered.

The Judge nodded with great approval. "Yes, quite. Thank you."

Phoenix grimaced at the situation in the courtroom in regards to food. _"Oh boy. Now, I'm getting hungry, too..."_

"Next question!" Mr. Payne declared. "You went to the victim's apartment on the day she starved to death, did you not?"

Larry swallowed his saliva, tempted to lie.

"Well? Did you, or did you not?" Mr. Payne persisted.

Larry put up his smug expression once more as he gave a haughty laugh. "Well, maybe I did, and maybe I didn't!"

Phoenix and Mia both shook their heads at him as the both said in their minds, _"Uh-oh, he went. What do I do...?" _After weighing the consequence of what he might do, he decided to once again, stop him from answering.

"_I'll send him a signal..." _Phoenix tapped a single piece of paper, scratched his chin, and then sternly stared at Larry while having both hands on the desk.

_**LIE LIKE A HOT DOG**_

Larry got the message that Phoenix was conveying to him. "Um, well, see, it's like this: I don't remember. I was going to deliver some homemade cookies to her but I didn't think she'd like them but I don't think I remember past that point."

That was a lie and Mr. Payne knew it. "You 'don't remember'? Well, then we'll just have to remind you! We have a witness that can prove he DID go to the victim's apartment that day AND steal the stash of burgers that caused her to starve to death that day!"

The Judge said with wide-eyes, "What is taking the Bailiff so long? Where is my sandwich?!"

The crowd started chatting amongst themselves on what food they'd all like to eat.

The Judge banged his gavel three times to silence them. "Order! Order in the court! Everyone can have their orders after the trial ends! Mr. Payne, where the heck is my sandwich!?"

"Your Honour, it's on its way! Please let us just call our witness." Mr. Payne said with fear. He knew that the Judge would be grouchy if he didn't have his sandwich soon. "On the day of starvation, my witness was selling bottles of milk at the victim's building. Please bring Mr. Frank Sahwit to the stand!"


End file.
